“Taking a step back”
I have wanted to talk about this for a long time now, this article will talk about something I have always tried to see in other people. Taking a step back is the name I gave to it, even though I created it in a clearly bad way at first. When I was little, through my ADHD problems I spent a long time looking at myself doing random shit all the time – a hyperactive has the tendency to do things without thinking, based on an instant need basis aka “I want to do that so I do it” this goes to suddenly singing in class to trying to randomly kiss a girl some years later (useful… or not). Through this lack of control I had when I was not under medication, I found myself – as I said earlier- looking at this me acting without thinking. I mean really “what the fuck am I doing, come on Arthur, stop this shit!”.
The years passed, I decided to stop the treatment for ADHD by myself and started to learn without it.. I did not stop because the medication did not help me, it really did, but the time had come for me to move my ass and take control because I felt ready for it. As time went on, I kept this side of me taking a step back, even when not doing random things. And I’m trying today to keep it all the time.
Today, I would describe this state as “constant attention state” – which is funny from someone with no concentration whatsoever. You are actually aware of all your surroundings as much as possible all the time. While you are speaking with someone, you are noticing the people entering the place – let’s call it Pijalnia – also what is the girl next to you ordering, that the person you are talking to looks quite tired while you yourself just want to go to cuba libre to loose your honor because well… You dance like shit and don’t know a single spanish song’s lyrics. Back to being serious. The constant attention has a strong side, the “step back” side. Are you doing shit? Are you wasting your chance with this girl? (come on did you even have a chance from the beginning?) Did you drink too much? Is this person dangerous? Should you or not avoid the bum coming straight to you? Well you don’t necessarily think about this kind of things normally, usually you are just “following the flow”! Things happen because things happen and you react to things because things happen! (Wow this sentence is so… horrid, but maybe no better way to explain it).
Even though I lived it as a hyperactivity case, everybody is doing things out of real control, everyone is acting in a way because they want to. I found it by seeing not empty but inactive eyes. Most people I’d guess just look at what they want, and don’t look at the rest because well… They already saw what they wanted! What is the use of the “take a step back” then? Well, when you are in this state, yeah you can control yourself and not say (or do) random shit that might hurt someone, even you. But also, who will see the guy alone in the background? How will you see that your friend has not been speaking from the start of the meeting, is turning his head and looking away with a sad smile? How will you see that your friend is getting annoyed by some douche in the dancing crowd? How will you see that your friend Pedro really should not have taken that shot?
It has been really useful to me. Thanks to this I have been able to take control of a big part of my life while following my need to be aware of others for example. I’ve taken a huge step back from the depressive state I plunged myself into. Being able to say to yourself “wait, don’t do that”, “you’d better do this”, “hey, hey, hey you have a thesis to do, go back to work” really is helping me a lot, and even more every day! For the ones that read to this point my incomprehensible thoughts, well done, you’ve received a mental like from me. For others, well you won’t read it so go eat a “surprise” in Pijalnia.
Best summer wishes,